battling emotions.

perhaps it's the occasional mood swing, but these few days i have become rather moody and that's cause of one reason and suprisingly one reason only.

i have no idea why, but it's the occasional feel of just slamming somebody/anybody down and later get hurt and feel guilty.

my heart and feelings are at war, trying to constrict my emotions into something raw and yet there's this main problem: i have no idea why i'm feeling like this.

maybe, i just wanted to feel something, so desperately yearning to feel something besides happiness. it's crazy, but it's the sudden urge. it's like as though my heart and my soul has become rather dry.
perhaps it has.

losing confidence is another thing. slowly, steadily, perhaps figuring myself out too much it's not a good thing.

i'm glad though for everytime i have this idiotic face which just says 'don't mess with me' cause i don't feel like smiling, everyone gives me the concern and that i thank them very much.

but it's not really anyone's fault, sometimes i just blank out in my own imagination and in my own thoughts. i thought perhaps i wanted attention, but i soon realized i actually don't want it. but i'm glad cause of my friends, everytime i go to school i'm able to talk and smile and not just sulk at home. i yearn for them privately. perhaps it's cause i know i'm about to graduate and has become solely dependent on them. that's another reason why may be i just want to be independent these days and let myself isolate.

(of course that's definetly the devil of my consious talking. it's greed, i think. the sin that wants everything despite having almost everything.)

i'm clueless. i don't know what i'm looking for anymore.